Constantine is a miserable, grim-faced curmudgeon, but then he can see the devil's army here on earth and it's his job to send them back (unpleasantly) if they transgress the rules laid down by God and Satan...so it's perhaps understandable that he's not too perky. Coming across rather more naughty behaviour than he's used to, Constantine suspects all hell is about to break loose and with the help of an equally po-faced but attractive detective he sets about uncovering the conspiracy. Constantin find out more...

God's getting quite pissed off with humanity so he decides to bring on the Apocalypse and that's bad news for us all. Never mind - somewhere in the Mojave Desert there's a pregnant unmarried waitress who, with the aid of renegade Archangel Michael, will see off the God dude's henchman, Gabriel, and his horde of carnivorous zombies.
Absolute tosh. find out more...

Radha Mitchell's adopted somnambulist daughter's night-time wanderings leave her screaming about a place called 'Silent Hill'. Seeking to find the cause of these nightmares, Rose takes her daughter, Sharon, on a road trip to the isolated and abandoned township, which is still smouldering from the underground coal fires that wiped the community off the map 30 years previously. Pursued by her husband and an unfeasibly sexy, leather-clad police woman, Rose finds herself in an alternative world with find out more...

In Persia in the 11th Century, a surgeon's apprentice disguises himself as a Jew to study at a school that does not admit Christians.

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Kevin Smith had a podcast where they made a joke about the idea of kidnapping and turning a human into a walrus. It went viral on the twittersphere. Then it became a movie. This movie. Though the whole thing starts out well, with decent doses of good humour and dramatic tension, it all falls very quickly by the wayside. The result is a ridiculous prosthetic walrus suit that envelops Justin Long. Somewhere inside this mess of a movie there's a punchline, if only Smith could get to it without q find out more...